UNPRETTY

aren't you just so tired of angst?

Really, I don't see the point of even posting or owning a blog at all. For me at least. As i was scrolling through all my posts, they all seem to be revolving around a mindless subject have one recurring theme. 3 guesses what. angst.
Well, here comes another one of those days when the only motivation propelling me to blog is my angst. I must as well just copy and paste all of my previous posts right? I mean, how can they get any different? I suppose blogging is my form of destressing, as much as everyone else. When i started on this blog entry, I really wanted to complain how I'm flunking all my classes and how i am not coping with all my SIAs and how my eye hurts that i can't really see anything properly and how I can't do my math homework all my homework in general. As i typed on, my mental state of mind was soothed and i lost the will to angst. I feel better too, i think.
I've been thinking, why do I spend so much time worrying about grades, ripping my hair over worksheet 24.2, killing my eye even more by looking at my 手册, thinking that all of these would ruin my life? It won't most likely but i'm currently reaching a standard so extreme that it currently holds potential for it to have such an influence over the rest of my life now. Probably if i keep these grades up, I will finally be sucessful in something -- thats is, being retained. My marks aren't cutting it. My memory doesn't have the capacity to store everything that i'm trying to save in. It just keeps rebooting and nothing can be recovered.
Okay, thats it, i read the previous paragraph and i realized that it needs editing, it had no topic sentence, no build up and was plain ranting.
But seriously, I am very worried, but it's not like worrying will be able to help me pull my grades up. No matter how hard i try, they always think i don't try hard enough. I read so many things on my reports, saying that i don't challenge myself, that i'm not putting in effort. Thats not true. You want me to challenge myself and get good grades at the same time? That is simply beyond my abilities. I don't understand why, when I do tier A and tier B, i can probably scrape a 4/4. SO i did tier B and C, which resulted in a 2. You tell me i'm not working hard in both situations, but don't you understand? It is simply beyond me. I have had enough of hearing how inferior i am, in all subjects, in all aspects of life.
Wouldn't it be better to be a top student in an ok student as opposed to being somewhere near the bottom of a good school? My brothers the former while i'm the latter.
And being me sucks.

posted by Jame @ 8:45 PM 1 comments